There is a Jewish prayer we say upon learning of a pregnancy. It includes the lines, “We tremble with fear and joy. Deep inside me a seed is growing. I am afraid, and I am filled with ecstasy.”
I couldn’t say it better if I tried. The prayer captures exactly the dueling sentiments that come with the territory of multiple pregnancy failures and years of infertility. This emotional dichotomy seems unavoidable, however, given my history. I am so happy to see that at least one of the embryos took, and has implanted into my womb. I am also terrified of knowing how this will progress. Chemical? Another blighted ovum? A healthy pregnancy? There’s no knowing, no crystal ball to alleviate my anxiety. The most I can do is pray, take the day moment by moment, and – with my husband by my side – plunge into the next few weeks to see where time will lead us.
For now, I’ll just be saying this over and over….
I am pregnant.
Nothing bad has happened today.
Focus on the present, and leave the future alone.
[Partner’s together:] We stand breathless before the Power of Creation that works through us to bring forth new life. We tremble with fear and joy.
[Pregnant Woman:] Deep inside me a seed is growing. I am afraid, and I am filled with ecstasy.
[Partners together:] May this promise of life come to be – our child. We trust in the source of life, this power which grips us within and yet transcends us. Protect this fragile new beginning. May we find love and strength to nurture this gift of fertility and life. Sheltered under wings of love, may we grow to be partners with the source of life in the miracle of creation.
– Rabbi Sandy Eisenberg Sasso