Keep on Keepin’ On

Sometimes, a little retrospection goes a long way to solidify one’s resolve.

Welp, this round turned out to be a chemical. I had a positive HPT at about 7dp6dt (7 days past 6 day transfer), but by 9dpt, it was negative. My blood test on 7/17 came back negative as well.

I knew going in that this was a long shot, but I still had high hopes (isn’t that all we have this far into the journey? High hopes?) It was a Grade 2 embie, and a slow grower at that.

This early miscarriage was a process, emotionally. At first, I still held out a little hope that the HPT was wonky; that I MIGHT get a bfp from the blood beta test. However, when I got the phone call from the nurse (whom I absolutely love, by the way), I could tell by the sound of her voice that the test was negative well before she actually said those words. So I did the only thing reasonable at the time; I stopped taking hormones, buried my emotion deep, and refused to deal with the pain. It worked for a few days, at least.

Unfortunately, having a physical reminder of what’s going on kind of hampers that tactic. Once I started bleeding and cramping, the emotions I had so flippantly tried to suppress hit me like a freight train. While I was at work, no less. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch something, hard. So I did. The nice thing about my lab is that only two people (including me) work in our particular room. So when my colleague went to lunch, I screamed, I cried, and I punched my big desk chair. It was very cathartic. I also called my husband as soon as my shift was over, and cried to him.

I also went through a re-evaluation mode. Is everything we’ve gone through, everything we’ve spent, worth it? Could I be happy and content just raising my stepson? After all, there are so many things I want to do for/with him (he’s 7). How much of the money we’ve spent on fertility (at LEAST $25,000 at this point) could have been spent taking him to Disney World? To Hawaii, a state both his father and I fell in love with? Or on a college fund? Our retirement?

Not to mention the fact that I was just…exhausted. So. Fucking. Tired. Of shots, hormones, hope, despair, intense desire, pitying looks from friends and family. Was it even worth it to continue, or should I just focus on living the best life possible with the family I have?

This was all going through my head. And after a couple of days with a lot of thought, I’ve felt better. Refreshed for having grieved and debated the merits of this marathon journey. I’m now working on losing some of the 40 lbs I’ve gained over the last couple of years. DH and I have decided to hold off on discussing future moves until my stepson leaves to spend a couple of summer weeks with his birth mom on the 29th. He (dh) asked for, and I gave him, a financial and time breakdown of our options for moving forward. We will be entertaining both a second DE IVF cycle with his sperm as well as a double donor cycle (donor sperm / donor egg…this option would be cheaper by about $4k). I’ve also started thinking about the potential for using a surrogate.

We’re not sure how we will proceed, but we know that we WILL proceed.

As I wrote in my last post, I will not go gentle.

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