It’s okay to freak out. And it’s okay to get help.

For some people, there comes a time when one just can’t handle the fertility ride on one’s own. It’s simply too overwhelming. And there is no shame in admitting help is needed.

I’ve always thought I did relatively okay, given the circumstances. The exhausting roller coaster of “Am I pregnant this month?! Was that a symptom?? No…my period is here again. /commence crying and burying my head in a good Syrah. Okay, next cycle.” really has taken its toll, however.

The closer we’ve gotten to our treatment date, the more a near-debilitating anxiety has reared its ugly head. Meltdowns, once reserved for the likes of a 3-year-old, are becoming a frighteningly common occurrence in my every day activities. The “am I pregnant” schedule has been replaced with a more sinister happening that goes something like this: Enter random/minor issue that normally would not freak me out. Begin minor panic attack….that continues all day long and snowballs until I collapse at the end of the day in mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted heap. /commence crying and burying my head in a good Syrah. And then begins the REAL fun. I tell myself, “Self, now you know you’ve read research that suggests chronically elevated levels of cortisol/chronic stress can reduce your chances of conceiving by diverting blood flow from your uterus to your limbs (yay…go “fight or flight”…) and slightly altering the biochemical “happy place” of your uterus, reducing the probability of an embryo implanting. Calm your tits.” At least that’s what the logical part of my brain says. It’s overridden by the part of my brain that screams, “I’M NEVER GOING TO GET PREGNANT AND HAVE A BABY!” That, by the way, is when the panic attack usually surges and all hope of calming down without a lot of wine (or xanax) gets tossed out the fucking door.

I talked to a very dear friend of mine (who happens to be a licensed therapist) about all of this, and she gave me a recommendation for a local psychiatrist I can talk to. Basically I’m looking to get myself medicated and have a few therapy sessions so I’m not a tragic hot mess both now and on the plane to Brno. I won’t go into too many details and freak any of my readers out as well, but in the end she told me that, based on the couple of hours long talk we had, she thinks it would be appropriate for me to be medicated throughout my pregnancy, if an embie takes. I’ve heard Celexa (citalopram) has successfully been used during pregnancy, with some women switching to Zoloft (sertaline) after delivery as it is better during breastfeeding. In any case, my first appointment is this upcoming Friday.

On the flipside, I was contacted this week by Mona, Mag’s assistant at MyIVFAlternative. She gave me a run down on our remaining balance; we’ll be paying that off tomorrow. She will be sending us a detailed receipt along with more tips for our trip across the pond once the final payment is received. My protocol has also been requested from the RE in Czech; I’ll be able to take it with me to my appointment on Oct. 6th with my local RE.

Slowly moving closer…

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